XIV. Kids, Don't Try This at Home

Have you:

been a member of a fraternity or sorority?

started a fraternity or sorority?

said "I'm normal, its everyone else that's weird"?

said "Hell yeah, I'm weird!"?

told dirty jokes in mixed company?

discussed masturbation (discussing it during/because-of a Purity Test doesn't cut it)?

discussed masturbation with relatives (other than parents or siblings)?

French kissed below the waist?

French kissed someone's bellybutton?

French kissed your own bellybutton?

discussed oral sex techniques (In general, not as part of a lesson)?

asked for instructions in oral sex techniques (again, lecture not lab)?

given lessons in oral sex techniques ('I'm only going to do this once, so pay attention!')?

demonstrated oral sex techniques with a 'visual aid' (carrot, cucumber, taco, etc.)?

demonstrated oral sex techniques with an assistant?

been the assistant?

had someone practice oral sex on you so as to be better for someone else?

demonstrated oral sex techniques for more than one person at a time?

smelled the crotchpiece of underwear (how else can you know if it's clean or not?)?

smelled the crotchpiece of underwear that was worn by somebody else?

smelled the crotchpiece of underwear of whose owner you were unsure?

owned a collection of underwear (not your own)?

owned a collection of dirty underwear (again, not your own)?

been attracted to someone more by an article of their clothing than by their body?

been a voyeur (without their knowledge)?

been invited to watch?

accepted an invitation to watch?

made an invitation to watch?

been in public while wearing just a shirt but no pants?

been in public wearing only a hat?

been in public while wearing only socks?

been in public while wearing only one sock (not necessarily on your foot)?

disrobed in public?

been to a nude beach?

sunned your buns or tanned your can?

tried to tan the underside of your forearms naturally (that is, by use of some star (sun included)?

paraded about in the nude (sprints don't count, nor does while searching for undies after a shower. This must be some serious nudity)?

been sad because someone you knew was getting married?

been sad because someone you knew was getting married and now you'd never get to sleep with them?

used your hair for the sexual arousal of others (beards count)?

used someone else's hair for your sexual arousal (it need not be attached to them - if you like to rub hair clots from your neighbors shower drain on yourself, that works fine)?

searched for the G-spot?

searched for the G-spot and found it (you stud)?

told him he had when he hadn't but you just wanted him out?

rooted for the Klingons?

felt sad because Skywalker killed the Emperor?

wished someone would pop Glenda?

rooted for the Wicked Witch?

contemplated the political, social and geometric possibilities of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?

wondered where Prince Charming kissed Sleeping Beauty to wake her up?

wondered about the sex life of Smurfette (the only female on the whole damn show)?

anticipated the episode where Azrael would finally eat a few of those little blue bastards?

looked at a solar eclipse without eye protection?

Did your retinas melt?

wondered why Aladdin doesn't have lips?

wish Ariel would lose those sea shells?

accidentally entered a public restroom of the opposite gender?

accidentally entered a public restroom of the opposite gender, not realizing it until you were finished?

intentionally entered a public restroom of the opposite gender?

won the pig pen award for your floor, dorm, fraternity / sorority, college, state, or planet?

pissed on an electric fence?

pissed on the third rail?

pissed into a fire?

streaked, flashed or otherwise intentionally displayed your bod to the general public (without pay, topless dancing doesn't count)?

streaked, flashed or otherwise intentionally displayed your bod to the general public as part of the job (modeling doesn't count)?

posed nude or semi nude for private drawings, paintings or photographs as a 'favor'?

posed nude or semi nude in public (e.g. art classes) as a 'favor'?

posed as a model for purposes of erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit art?

asked someone to pose nude or semi nude for private drawings, paintings, or photographs as a 'favor'?

asked someone to pose nude or semi nude in public (e.g. art classes) as a 'favor'?

asked someone to pose for erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit art or photographs?

asked someone to pose for erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit photographs and there was no film in the camera?

made lewd, licentious or suggestive gestures while dancing in public?

made lewd, licentious or suggestive gestures while dancing alone?

Were you offended?

helped to cover for someone's escapades (provide alibi, accommodations, opportunity)?

been besieged by someone who thought they could satisfy you and make an honest person of you?

been late to work, class or an appointment because you were involved in sexual activity?

skipped work, class or an appointment altogether because you were involved in sexual activity?

read anything by the Marquis de Sade?

been nicknamed for a behavior pattern of yours ('Sleepy')?

been nicknamed for an aberrant behavior pattern of yours ('Sleazy')?

been interrupted by the police while necking, and they were more embarrassed than you?

been an exhibitionist?

been a flasher (exhibitionist with no style)?

had sexual activity with siblings (brother or sisters [not your own])?

had sexual activity simultaneously with both (or however many) siblings?

had sexual activity with twins?

both simultaneously?

had sexual activity with triplets (or more)?

however many simultaneously?

had sexual activity with Siamese twins?

both simultaneously (it seemed assumed, but you never know)?

had sexual activity with a parent and child, not your own?

both simultaneously?

shaved your head?

shaved your pubic region (pits don't count)?

had someone else shave your pubic region?

shaved someone else's pubic region?

shaved your pubic region into a design or shape (star, moon, heart, bear-trap, etc.)?

shaved someone else's pubic region into a design or shape?

colored or bleached your pubic region?

colored or bleached someone else's pubic region?

had sex during menstruation?

performed oral sex on a menstruating woman (or been the woman) (earn your Red Wings!)?

had sex while the woman had a yeast infection?

performed oral sex on a woman with a yeast infection (or been the woman)?

performed oral sex on someone who was urinating at the time?

had sex with someone who was urinating at the time?

performed oral sex on someone who was oozing some unidentified substance at the time?

fucked someone oozing some unidentified substance?

mooned or goosed someone you knew?

mooned or goosed someone you didn't know?

mooned or goosed someone you thought you knew?

"pounced" somebody (You're gonna fuck me NOW!)?

been pounced?

belched (obnoxiously) in general public?

belched the alphabet in general public?

belched the Cyrillic alphabet in general public?

farted (audibly) in general public?

farted the alphabet in general public?

stimulated your partner anally (with your finger, vibrator or whatnot)?

been stimulated anally (with a finger, vibrator or whatnot)?

"basted" somebody (definition in Autoerotica section)?

had somebody "baste" you?

peed in someone's butt (note, this is not on their butt, or in their butt crack, this is IN their butt)?

had someone pee in your butt?

had a posslq, or date leave you for someone of their gender?

left an other-half, posslq, or date for someone of your gender?

picked your nose in public?

picked someone else's nose?

picked someone else's nose in public?

had someone else pick your nose?

had someone else pick your nose in public?

picked someone's nose with your tongue?

had someone else pick your nose with their tongue?

sexually harassed someone?

graded someone's act of sexual harassment?

handed out condoms as party favors?

discussed favorite brand of condom?

comparison shopped for condoms?

inflated a condom?

made condoms into water balloons (or water condoms, as it were)?

chosen a condom, spermicide, or lubricant for its taste (or lack thereof)?

bought condoms?

bought condoms in bulk (more than the standard 12-pack)?

bought condoms by the case (wholesale, not just the 'family pack')?

had to highjack a condom truck (or ship or plane or whatever) to fill your demand?

saved used condoms (for the memories, resale value, whatever)?

made your own condoms ('those economical college kids!')

bought any other birth control item (contraceptive jelly or foam, or the pill)?

bought any other birth control item in bulk (the Pill, unless you got it for more than one month at a time, doesn't count)?

borrowed/stolen/taken birth control from your or somebody else's parents?

used Coke as a contraceptive douche?

used battery acid as a contraceptive douche?

carried a condom 'just in case'?

carried a condom so people would think you were getting some?

bought a home pregnancy test?

used male urine for a home pregnancy test "just to see what happens"?

was he "pregnant"?

tasted your own sexual fluids?

tasted another person's sexual fluids?

complimented someone on their flavor?

been complimented on your flavor?

complained about someone's flavor?

had someone complain about your flavor?

been in a situation where semen (yours or somebody else's) was shot over someone's head?

where it hit a wall?

where it hit the ceiling?

where it hit somebody's face?

where it hit somebody other than you or your partner (HEADS UP!!)?

where it went in somebody's eye?

where it went up somebody's nose?

where it went in somebody's food or drink?

had your ears pierced?

had your nose pierced?

had your navel pierced?

had your eyebrow pierced?

had your lip pierced?

had your tongue pierced?

had your nipple pierced?

had both of your nipples pierced?

had your genitalia pierced?

had your uvula pierced?

had any other body part pierced?

pierced someone else's nose?

pierced someone else's navel?

pierced someone else's eyebrow?

pierced someone else's lip?

pierced someone else's tongue?

pierced someone else's nipple?

pierced someone else's genitalia?

pierced someone else's uvula?

pierced anything else on a someone?

worn body paint?

painted somebody (that's painted on their body, not painted a picture of them)?

lit your partner's crotch aflame?

had your crotch lit aflame?

worn obscene or suggestive T-shirts?

worn T-shirts with obscene or graphic messages in a language you didn't read?

a tattoo?

an 'obscene' tattoo (words or pictures)?

a tattoo normally concealed by your clothing (George Shultz has a tiger on his butt)?

a tattoo in an intimate location?

a tattoo normally concealed by your hair?

a tattoo normally concealed by your pubic hair?

used any object, longer than it is wide, for sexual purposes (Coke bottle, rolling pin, feather duster, etc.)?

used a feather or other tickling device for the sexual arousal of someone?

been to a funeral as a form of entertainment (a.k.a. Harold of "Harold & Maude")?

considered sex the price a woman has to pay for being married ('just close your eyes and think of England')?

used ice for sexual purposes?

used a frozen object (not ice cubes) as a dildo (popcicle, icicle, etc.)?

used whipped cream for sexual purposes?

put gravy, syrup, honey or other spreadable food on your partner and licked or eaten it (things go better with butter)?

had spreadable food put on you and eaten, or licked off?

used oils (baby, Wesson, etc.) for a body rub?

used erotic lotions (motion lotion, etc.) for a body rub?

used kiwis (the fruit, bird, or shoe polish - doesn't matter) for sexual purposes?

used any food for sexual purposes?

shoved food in a female's naughty bits?

shoved food up your or somebody else's rectum?

eaten the food after it was used in the above mentioned activities?

used a vibrator for sexual stimulation?

bought ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy?

given ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy?

received ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy?

given ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy as a Christmas or Hanukkah (or whatever your holiday preference happens to be) present?

received ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy as a Christmas or Hanukkah (etc.) present?

used an artificial limb for sexual purposes?

asked someone to wear a particular article of clothing not because it was 'sexy' but because it turned you on?

worn colored underwear (other than white or pink)?

worn bikini briefs?

worn bikini briefs with patterns on them (tiger stripes, etc.)?

worn edible underwear?

had someone eat it off of you?

eaten edible underwear off of somebody else?

worn lingerie?

worn leather lingerie?

worn rubber lingerie?

worn fishnets?

worn somebody else's lingerie?

worn a garter belt?

worn a girdle?

made garments out of shaved pubic hair (mittens, sweaters, driving caps, etc.)?

tried to figure out the words to "Louie Louie"?

been to a John Water's film (Pink Flamingos, anything starring Divine)?

more than once?

seen Eraserhead or Tetsuo the Iron Man (I or II)?

more than once?

seen The Wall?

more than once?

seen A Clockwork Orange?

more than once?

thought of becoming a Veterinarian because your first love died of hoof & mouth?

had sex in the presence of animals (other than humans)?

had animals walk on you while you were having sex?

thought of becoming a vegetarian because the saddest day in your life was when your first love was sent to market?

thought to make a contribution to science in similar fashion to Madame D'Stael?

urinated anywhere other than in an acceptable location or receptacle (i.e. in a sink, wastepaper basket, glove compartment)?

urinated off of a bridge or tall building?

defecated anywhere other than in an acceptable location or receptacle (i.e. car seat, microwave, or salad spinner)?

pissed in your pants?

shit in your pants?

tasted or eaten shit (the rat shit in pepper and soup (and many other food products) doesn't count)?

more than once?

tasted or eaten shit on purpose?

more than once?

tasted or drunk urine?

more than once?

tasted or drunk urine on purpose?

more than once?

kept unmarked biology specimens in the refrigerator?

kept feces (That's have to be crap, Bob) in the refrigerator (lab specimens do not count)?

kept feces anywhere in your dwelling (under your bed, in your dresser)?


[you must start at the beginning to be scored]


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